The Future

I have been wanting to avoid this post because of the feelings that it stirs up. I wish I could unlearn what I know sometimes. Yesterday Max and I were in Texas at yet another doctors appointment. We went to see Dr Margret Drummond-Borg who is a geneticist with Cook Children's. We have been to a genetics doctor here in Oklahoma but didn't receive any answers. Unfortunately we received answers yesterday. Although there is still no diagnosis the doctor made it clear that there is defiantly something wrong with my sweet little boy. She wants to do more testing which we are used to and test for 3 specific disorders Fragile X, FG and PTEN. The doctor made it clear that whatever is wrong has a strong chance of  also having some form of mental handicap attached. I felt numb when she was talking. Just nodding my head and saying "ok, sure I can handle this." I'm worried I cant. I'm not good at putting my feelings into words when they feel so raw. I feel badly because I have my sweet angel and some people have lost their child. But I feel like I have lost the child that I thought I had. The dreams that I had for him and what he would be. I feel like I lost my sweet innocent child that with every hug or kiss I melt. No longer can I wear my rose colored glasses thinking that everything is going to be ok, that he will pass this phase and catch up to his peers. There is something wrong even though we don't know what it is yet. I will be his protector and stand beside him through everything. But the news is still so new. I have so many questions, so many worries. Will he be married and have children of his own? Will he ever be able to say he words I long to hear, " I love you mommy" and know that I love him always too? Will he always have to deal with the ignorant people that don't understand him or how wonderful he is? I feel like I'm going through the stages of mourning but I haven't lost anyone. I have been in denial and am now mad that this had to happen to my child! He deserves everything in the world and I want him to have it. Did I do this to him. Is there something I should or shouldn't have done? I want everyone to know that he is just as good as anybody else. I want the world to know that he is a miracle and we are all lucky he is in our lives. I'm rambling and I know it, but I love Maxwell so much that like any parent I want everything for him. I will do everything I can to give Maxwell what he deserves. My dreams are going to have to change for him. But I refuse to ever tell him he cant do anything. There is something wonderfully special about this child and I know that he is meant for greatness. He will affect the lives of others and empower people the way he does me. At just 2 years old this little boy has changed my life forever and I will be better for it.